


Black Sheep

by JaeYeoloVesLauv



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 21:54:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20535209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaeYeoloVesLauv/pseuds/JaeYeoloVesLauv





	Black Sheep

Black sheep or Favoritism?

In the family, despite no one clearly saying it, I’ve always known that I am a black sheep.

I am unwanted. An outcast. Strange. Worthless. Ugly. Lazy. Disrespectful. And even Hopeless in life. 

For them I was no mere than a stranger or a maid expected to do the chores like a robot, especially when I don’t have a job to earn money.

When I open my mouth to explain they are the very first one to say I am wrong, what i am saying is a lie or that they don’t hear me at all.

In this house if you don’t have a money, don’t have plans for college, don’t have job, you are pretty much a disappointment.

That’s how their eyes are always like to me afterall, even if I do have a job I am still a disappointment 

If I don’t have a job, money, and is wasting time instead of going to college which in their time they couldn’t afford to do so, I am worthless. 

They even say that to others if they have friends coming over to our house or vice versa

I am 21 years old this year.

Its kinda surprising because at the young age I’ve always known I am different, or strange. 

That I don’t belong.

I recall it was around the age of 13 or 14, that I started to wonder, “what if I just end it all?” 

And till to this day, I still ask myself why am I still alive?

Through out the times I’ve made up excuses and reasons not to do it.

“Oh my parents will be heart broken!”

“What will happen to my other two younger siblings?” 

“It would be troublesome or time consuming to do it at this house”

And etc. Etc.

I couldn’t cry because they would stare at me with those eyes.

I couldn’t take this all out, to anyone but myself because I know they would do something instead.

Because in fact my own mom told me straight to my face that she would take me to see the doctor or to a rehabilitation center even when I don’t even do drugs

At that time something broke inside if me, more than I was scared.

You the reason mom said that to me is due to that  
I couldn’t physically harmed myself witn knife without being discovered, so, instead of a sharp blade, I take my fingers and pluck my hair bald.

It is also why they call me ugly.

I am a woman of age.

I have menstruation. And when I sleep I tend to scratch my skin, hence resulting to stretch marks.

Whenever my mom or dad or brother see my bald hair or those stretch marks they would be freaked out and disgusted.

I am ugly.

They call me that for as long as I remember.

Nobody would love me.

And its my fault. 

I know that.

Because even I can feel that my own family doesn’t really love me.

I even hate and curse myself to die at times you know? 

The other thing was this suspicion of ‘favoritism’

My mother lost three other childs before my eldest brother, before me, before my younger sister and brother.

At that, I started to understandthat, maybe my elder brother is very special to mom because of those grief of lossing my other three brothers.

It is why whenever my brother needs money fir them for the sake of his car, or to have my mom pay his own cellphone despite him being already graduated and already have a job, he still asks money to them, when I instead of asking, instead give some to them.

I’m not saying that I regret lending my father money to pay for his tax that could possibly bring him to prison. I am saying that, I have grievences regarding my elder brother who keeps saying that he’ll return the money back to out parents when he never did and instead ask for more or that sends money to his long distance girlfriend from another country.

I know he is old enough to start a family, but doesn’t he realize his first family right here?

I missed him when he was away from college but then I remember once he came back that even if come near him at the slightest touch he would punch or yell

Even if my younger brother cries from his aggressive “brotherly love” involving punching, biting and squishing to the point that the youngest could hardly breathe, my mother and my father doesn’t really reprimand him to much. They just tell him to stop it and he doesn’t he even stop right away.

It is also the high possible reason as to why ny younger brother is pretty much a cry baby when it comes to pain. There has been psychological impact to him that we have to literally stay quiet or stay far away from him before he snaps at us.

I am angry that my parents don’t even hit him or treat him with cold treatment like what they do to me, especially when I was a child.

I remember, when I was young, I failed to do something right that my mother literally hit me in the head that despite seeing my fingers dipped in red, I couldn’t feel any more pain, other than the pain in my heart. And then I just cried to sleep back then. 

It is probably when I started keeping all the things that hurts me inside.

Why am I alive?

I am so tired.

Recently it was just my 21st birthday but instead of happiness, I rather felt very very exhausted.

Like I just want to lay down and never wake up.

Who would’ve thought that you could wish such thing in your birthday right?

I am tired.

I want to end it all.

But things got me thinking that “Hey don’t I should atleast pay in return for them sheltering me, giving me clothes, bed, and food?” 

I may be just over reacting!

They love you!

Yes they are just tired that’s why whenever you talk to them they act as if I am invincible!!

My parents are such hardworkers, they sacrificed many things for me, for us so even if I know that I am a black sheep and will never be a part of this family, at least let me use my whole life to return those sacrifices they did for me.

I will use my whole life, returning those things they sacrificed.

I will become a sacrifice, for the sake of their happiness and peace.

It doesn’t matter if I die of old age working my bones off... I will return my life completely to them at least.

Because now I know how cruel world is.

How unconditional love is not easy to gain.

So please, in your own word known as me being “lazy”, please let me rest for a moment...

And then I will work, work, and work and work, that you won’t even see my shadow at your home anymore.

I am thankful for you giving me life.

I am glad I experience this things.

I am not saying goodbye ... yet at least.

I still have to earn money and return them to all of you, because I know you blame me stealing your time of your life.

I will return them.

Even in my last breath.

So please let me just gave another night to sleep. 

Another night to prepare the sturdiness of my weak heart.

Another night to adjust for tomorrow so nothing seemed to even happen.

Another night to put everthing back inside again.

-Blacksheep


End file.
